“Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out.” ~ Proverbs 10:9
Over the past couple of months, the way we live our lives has taken a dramatic paradigm shift. Most of our social interactions now take place over the internet, through video conferencing, emails, phone calls, etc. This is great because it allows the continuation of social interaction while simultaneously protecting yourself through social distancing. But when social interaction comes through electronic means, there is another aspect of protection: the ability to control the way you are perceived by others. What exactly do I mean? Have you ever gone into a video conference meeting and dressed up as professionally as possible (suit and tie), but only from the waist up? Why not be comfortable from the waist down, because after all, no one is going to see you from the waist down?
Granted, I have done this countless times myself, and there is nothing intrinsically wrong with this. But the risk is that, when social interactions come through these electronic avenues, we have a lot more control over what people see. We stop seeing people for who they truly are, but rather only see the best version of that person that is presented to us. I call this the “social media” effect. When we witness a person’s life through social media, we don’t get an authentic peak into the person’s life, but rather we only see a sterilized glimpse of events and activities that the person has deemed worthy of allowing others to see by posting about it online. But, when we have this limited view of people’s lives, we in turn stop sharing our lives with others, but only present a sterilized version of our lives that we feel safe sharing.
The problem with this is that relationships are inherently risky and messy. There is nothing sterile about a true relationship. Relationships come with risks, struggles, pain, and conflicts. Working through those things is what makes a relationship strong; so what about a relationship that avoids those uncomfortable aspects? As we spend time in quarantine, being socially distanced and protected, what happens when quarantine ends, and people have become comfortable and complacent with these safe and sterile relationships?
Doctor John Gottman was an American Psychologist and researcher who spent almost four decades of his career focusing on understanding marital stability and divorce. If you ever read any of Gottman’s work, you will probably notice that his writing feels very driven by his research, which in turn means that his writing tends to focus on the multiplicity of variables and outcomes. But, in the introduction of Gottman’s book, “What Makes Love Last?”, he makes an absolute statement that seems so out of character: “Betrayal is the secret that lies at the heart of every failing relationship — it is there even if the couple is unaware of it.” At first glance, my instinct is to push back against this, but as I think and reflect on this statement, maybe Gottman understands more than I am willing to admit.
When Gottman says betrayal, I think many people might immediately leap to the idea of infidelity. While infidelity is absolutely a form of betrayal, it is not the only type of betrayal. There can be hundreds of tiny betrayals throughout a single day that wear down a relationship. You say you were going to take the trash out but fail to live up to your word. You tell your spouse that you love their meatloaf, but you don’t, and it later comes out that you had been lying all those times you said it was your favorite. You want to share about your fears or anxieties, but you don’t trust that the other person cares enough to listen. All three of these simple interactions come at a cost: the erosion of trust in a relationship.
What am I getting at? With the sterile and safe interactions we can have through social media and electronic communication, what happens to those relationships when we move out of quarantine, only to find that the relationship we had was based on a mask that someone was wearing, and we have no idea who the person is underneath that mask? Talk about betrayal. I imagine that this would foster some of those trust issues in a relationship.
In my previous devotional, I touched on the subject of being honest with God and being honest with ourselves. The ultimate trifecta of relationships is to be honest with people. In Matthew 22, as Jesus was teaching, he laid out the ultimate commandment: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. . . . You shall love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:37, 39).” In this, the Greatest Commandment, we are told to love God, to love ourselves, and to love others. This is an all or nothing situation, because all relationships impact each other.
In my relationship with God, if I don’t trust God enough to be honest with God, then how am I going to be able to trust people enough to be honest with them? If I struggle with loving myself, if I can’t trust in the intrinsic value that God sees in me, then I am going to struggle with being honest with people because I will believe that I am deserving of rejection and ridicule. If I refuse to be honest with the people around me, then my relationship with God is going to be limited because how am I to love God if I am unable to love those that God loves?
I realize that, for anyone who has been reading my devotionals, the subject of honesty in relationships has come up on multiple occasions. The reason why this topic is so important to me is because it is when we hide and run away, when we continue to live our lives hidden away from each other, our burdens can overcome us. As someone who struggles with depression, I can testify to the reality that hiding my pain and struggles usually make things worse. Imagine you are in a darkened room. In the room are grotesquely shaped sculptures, sharp objects hanging from the ceiling, piles of dung on the floor, and old furniture to stumble into. In the dark, it is possible to imagine that the room is really "O.K." But light would reveal an ugly scene indeed; and then there could be no more pretending! Wouldn't the truth to our "eye" be a better kind of pain than that of stumbling, groping around in such a room? With the light on, everything would be exposed; the room could be navigated without harm; it could be cleaned up; and there might also be things of value and beauty in the room that could be seen and used. If the light comes on, do we welcome the truth or rush to "turn it off;" do we receive it, even though it may hurt? After all:
"This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light and in him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with him while we are walking in darkness, we lie and do not do what is true; but if we walk in the light as he himself is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he who is faithful and just will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us." ~ 1 John 1:5-10
So, in this time of social distancing and isolation, may I encourage you to be intentional about trusting God, trusting people, and forming genuine and honest relationships. We all deserve to be truly known, known by God and known by others, and with that trust and honest comes freedom that does not come from this world, but comes from God alone.
May you enjoy the freedom of living in the light of God’s presence and being truly known by God, known to yourself, and known by others
