Great Expectations

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

I am a huge movie fan, and one of my favorite movie experiences is that feeling of anticipation during a suspenseful movie. I love that feeling when I get emotionally invested in a character, and as the story progresses, I wait for the next surprise to come around the corner, the anticipation of a truly action packed scene, followed by the relief and joy of the eventual victory. Even in those movies where the story takes you for a loop, having an ending that was unexpected, or a plot twist that violates all the norms of a typical movie plot, I love that excitement and anticipation. I particularly enjoy walking away from a movie after enjoying a unique and pleasant surprise.

When we can live vicariously through other people or fictional characters, we tend to enjoy those surprises. But in real life, we tend to have the opposite reaction when things do not live up to our expectations. My son is almost 10 years old now, and there are times when it feels like we are constantly dashing his dreams to pieces, all because things do not work out the way he expects. For example, if we are talking as a family about going out to eat, in the conversation we will ask everyone what they would like to eat. My son will often suggest a restaurant, which turns into the expectation that we will be eating at that place. When we finally come to a decision and if that decision does not happen to be my son’s suggestion, he gets this look on his face as if all the puppies and kittens of the world have been stolen. He does eventually get over it, perhaps after pouting for a time, but there is that torment of dashed expectation that he experiences.

As adults, we grow out of such pouting and tantrums, but we also will often continue to develop those expectations of the world (which we have even less control over), and as adults we are often less resilient and can become less flexible when our expectations do not match reality. Instead of adjusting to those disappointments and unmet expectations in life, we will often turn to deflecting our disappointment upon others, looking for someone to blame, and even lashing out at those who have “wronged us” by not living up to our expectations, even if we are the ones at fault by holding unreasonable expectations based off of poor assumptions.

Here is the most important thing to remember when it comes to expectations. Ready for it?

WE ARE NOT GOD!

We are not in charge of the world at large, nor is the world subject to our will. For years, our culture has filled our heads with the positive affirmation of “you can be anything you want,” and “follow your dreams.” These are not bad things to believe. But, at the same time, such positive affirmations have warped and twisted over the years into an idea that your dreams have to come true in the manner in which we expect. Absolutely you should follow your dreams, but at the same time, your expectations of what that dream looks like when it is realized may not match reality. Just because we want things to work out a certain way does not mean that it is within our power to make things work out the way we want. We are not God, and we are not in control of the world.

Ultimately, this is a good thing. Let us be honest with ourselves for the moment. Half the time, we are barely “in control” of our own actions. Half the time, people tend to get tossed back and forth by the whims of this world, by the fickle twists and turns of our desires, and trying to live up to the expectations of other people (which, by the way, many of those expectations are fabrications of our own imaginations). Quite often, we pursue the things of this world which we think will bring satisfaction and contentment to our lives, only to find that we did not think things through all the way or that things do not play out as we expected. Keeping all of that in mind, is the world better off with us being in charge, or with God being in charge?

Ultimately, it still hurts when expectations are not met. There is still pain and loss involved when life does not meet our expectations. So, here are three essential principles to help us stay grounded and to minimize the level of destruction caused by our expectations.

First, COMMUNICATION. In this blog, I spend a lot of time and energy emphasizing the importance of honesty, and the reason for that, is because honesty is such a foundational principle for healthy living. If we are going to maintain healthy and reasonable expectations for life, it is important that those expectations are based on truth and not on assumptions and desires. For us to know truth that we can base our expectations on, we must be open and honest and willing to accept truth. We must be willing to accept truth from God, we must be willing to be honest with ourselves and with others, and we must be honest about our biases to understand truth clearly. In Proverbs 18:13, it says: “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” It is good to expect good things from God: “For no matter how many promises God has made, they are ‘Yes’ in Christ. And so through him the ‘Amen’ is spoken by us to the glory of God (2 Corinthians 1:20).” But being honest means being willing to accept that what God gives us as good may not always match our expectations. After all, often times what we consider to be “good” also means easy, comfortable, and convenient, but God’s good will often involves spiritual growth, discomfort, and the opportunity to work through our short-comings and adversity to better to allow us to grow in our faith and closer in relationship to God.

Second, it is important for us to have FORGIVENESS. People will often times struggle with forgiveness, because they will refuse to forgive others, unless they have somehow earned forgiveness, or even asked for forgiveness. This is a misunderstanding. Forgiveness is not about the other person, but it is about us letting go. In Luke, we see that many people refused to accept Jesus as the Messiah because He did not live up to the expectations they had built up of what the Messiah would do, or be like. Their refusal was so absolute that it led to Jesus’ crucifixion. But what was Jesus’ response? “Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing’ (Luke 23:34).” People did not earn forgiveness, nor did they even ask for forgiveness. Jesus forgave anyways, because it was an expression of God’s nature to love, and a refusal to allow bitterness to take root. In much the same way, if we are going to learn to accept it when our expectations are misplaced, we must learn to forgive. We learn to forgive ourselves when we make mistakes and build up expectations that are unreasonable, which requires that we be willing to admit when we make a mistake. We must be willing to forgive others when they do not live up to our expectations, because refusing to forgive will allow bitterness to grow up inside of us, which will strangle our ability to have compassion and to love people.

This leads me to the third and last principle, LOVE.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, emphasis added

Do I love the people in my life only when they live up to my expectations? Are my expectations the defining foundation of all my relationships? If we truly love people, then we love them knowing that they are different and unique from ourselves, that everyone comes with baggage, expectations, and faults, and that as much as people may disappoint me, I am likely disappointing them in turn. People are valuable, not because of what they can do for me, but simply because of who they are and the intrinsic value they have by the nature of being created in the Image of God. Loving people requires us to learn to accept that our expectations can and will be misplaced, we will experience disappointment, and we can be okay despite that fact.

When it comes to our expectations of life, the world, and others, the most basic truth I can give you is this: put your faith and trust in God, knowing that He keeps His promises, He loves us and abounds in mercy and grace, and that while this world can be fickle and deceptive, God is eternal and never changing. When my expectations are built upon my faith in God, when I form expectations according to the truth of God’s Word (i.e. the Bible), and when I am able to be honest and confessional with God, with myself, and with others, then I can expect my life to be one of purpose and fulfillment, even if things do not go according to my plans or live up to my expectations.