Bishop Helsley, Chaplain
Apr 4, 20215 min
“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” ~ Psalm 139:23-24
In our previous article, we explored the reality of just how complicated relationships can be and the difficulties that come with communication. I drew out an example of a fight within a marriage relationship that had a rather significant communication barrier, because both husband and wife thought they were arguing about the trash, but when you dig deeper you find much deeper issues behind the scenes. But, as we wrap up our series about relationships, I really want to try to explore some practical applications to how to overcome these relationship challenges.
So, what advice or help could I possibly offer to anyone about relationships? Well, let me boil down some extraordinarily complex and difficult life struggles into three basic principles (and chances are that these are going to be three principles that I have touched on many times in previous articles): honesty, acceptance, and adaptability. So, let me briefly explore each one of these principles.
To begin with, and this truly needs to be step one of making any relationship work, honesty is at the core of everything. Now, when many people talk about honesty in relationships, they limit the idea to honest communication (i.e., telling the truth). But honesty is a much larger concept then just speaking truth. To begin with, honesty starts before we ever open our mouths or speak a word. Before we can speak truth, we must be able to be honest with ourselves. If someone says something to me that sets off an emotional reaction, do I fully understand why I am reacting the way that I am? Do I know about my wounds, hurts, unfulfilled expectations, and longing, and can I be honest with myself about how they drive or influence me in life? If we are unable to be honest with ourselves, then the words we speak or our perceptions of the world can be twisted and biased in ways that we may not fully understand. We may even believe that we are speaking from a place of truth, but without that honest self-awareness, our understanding of truth can be very one-sided. Personally, I believe this is where our relationship with God comes into play. One of the truths of Christianity and faith is that being in relationship with God requires confession and honesty, and this can only occur if we are willing to truly search ourselves deeply and admit our failures, flaws, and sins.
This is where our second principle comes into the picture: acceptance. To begin with, I must preface this principle by first emphasizing that I do not use the word “acceptance” in the manner that our modern culture uses it interchangeably with “tolerance.” I believe that many of the cultural cliches about acceptance in our culture are contradictory to the real core of acceptance. Our culture is full of all kinds of tropes about acceptance such as “you do you” and “find your own truth.” When it boils down, many of these tropes are all about ignoring the reality of the world and twisting the world around us to fit our desires and expectations. If things are not as we want them to be, change the definitions or you can ignore or attack anything that challenges your viewpoint to make the world fit your expectations. This, in its entirety, is the opposite of acceptance.
Acceptance means being able to see the world in an honest way and dealing with the world for what it is. In psychology, there are four suggested responses to conflict, and one of those options is known as radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is about accepting life on life’s terms and not resisting what you cannot or choose not to change. Radical acceptance is about saying yes to life, just as it is. If we are going to be honest with ourselves, this includes being honest with ourselves about the world we live in. One of the phrases that I am so tired of hearing people say is “that is not fair.” The idea of fair comes from a place of unrealistic expectation, not a place of acceptance. If people are honest with themselves, when they say, “it’s not fair,” what they are actually saying is “it is not what I wanted.” Here is the ultimate reality. Life is fair only in this one way, that it is universally unfair for people of all ages, genders, ethnicities, cultures, and backgrounds. Along with accepting the world for what it is, acceptance in relationships must become a part of our lives. I cannot have a relationship with a person that I put on a pedestal, because eventually they are going to fail to live up to my expectations.
This is where our third principle becomes important: adaptability. If we are going to see ourselves in an honest light, and if we are going to honestly accept the world and people for who they are, then we must be able to adapt and adjust how we respond to the world. If we behave a certain way to our spouse or friend (or any relationship for that matter), and then we learn new truth about that person, then we now have new information about who that person is. In a relationship, we can choose to behave and interact with that person according to who we once thought they were, or we can adapt and adjust according to who we accept them to be. One of the most damaging strains on a relationship comes with treating someone according to who you want them to be rather than according to who they are. Now, I want to be clear: people are constantly changing and growing through life, which means that relationships must go through a constant process of honest discovery and adaptation. I always find it comical when people demand that “you must accept me for who I am,” and they state it in such a way as if they will never change, grow, shift, or develop deeper in their identity. I find it comical because it comes from a place often when people refuse to allow their perspectives or ideas to be challenged, which is equivalent to refusing to grow as a person, which I find to be extremely tragic and sad. The point of life is to grow and develop as people, and I believe that the best way to do that is to grow deeper in our relationship with God.
So, if we are going to have healthy and fulfilling relationships in our lives, just remember to bring plenty of honesty with you, accept life for what it is and resist the urge to develop unreasonable expectations, and be prepared to adapt to the constantly shifting landscape of life. May God richly bless you and your relationships, and may you grow deeper and fuller in your understanding of God, yourself, and others.